Kyrie’s Rants & InSaNiTiEs

Archive for November 2009

Dear Client

One would think that since you booked a massage in a high end resort you’d understand the rules and etiquette of getting a massage. However since you obviously don’t let me list a few of the rules you have broken, so you’ll know for next time.

It is not okay to answer the door in your underwear and a tank top…put some freaking pants on, the people in the hall aren’t that impressed with your package and neither am I.

This is the first indication that you as a client are going to give me problems.

I don’t need you to “prepare” the room before I get there. Unless you want to actually pick your crap up off the floor, but that is another rant. This means that no matter how nicely you have made the bed look you are NOT getting your massage there, nor will I ever be placing any part of my body upon it. No matter how much you try to convince me that unethical and illegal things happen every minute in Vegas, it doesn’t matter. YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY JOB AND MY LICENSE.

Just a side note, this is clue number two that in about twenty minutes we will be arguing about whether or not I will be touching your penis. Trust me I am prepared it make you wish you’d never booked a massage in the first place, I suggest you take care of the problem yourself. Just because I am pregnant and obviously put out at some point does not mean I am interested in helping you with your problem in any way.

It’s okay to ask for specific work, however…It is not okay to ask for inner thigh work, while wiggling your ass on my table in a suggestive manner.

When I comply to my professional standards and refuse to go any “higher or any more to the inside of the thigh” it’s not okay to try and intimidate me into doing what you want. Throw as big a fit as you like it only pisses me off and as you found out ends your massage then and there. I don’t respond well to bullying, even if you are 6 ft 7.

Also arguing with me about what you said that was inappropriate, will not make me change my mind about continuing the massage no matter how shocked and surprised you act that I have found your behavior inappropriate. I have been doing this job for over 3 years now and I can tell the difference between someone asking me for a happy ending and someone asking for more work on an area.

I might suggest that telling me there are a million girls out there that you could have gone to in Vegas, to get a happy ending if that is really what you wanted is completely true. Don’t act so shocked when I agree with you and inform you that it always surprises me when a client asks me to do that for them since it is so easy and might I add cheaper to get else where.

While I would suggest it is not in your best interests to piss off your massage therapist ever, let me inform you that pissing off your 8 month pregnant massage therapist is even less in your best interests. Your lucky that I was not so angry as to have you black balled from the spa, and trust me that’s only because I have dealt with way worse pervs that you.

Just so you are aware, you currently hold the record for client whom I have discontinued the massage with, at a time of 15 minutes, congratulations. Most clients “who aren’t asking for happy endings” at least wait until I flip then over on the table. Props to you for your inpatients.

Trying to argue with me the entire time I am packing up and acting offended will get you no where with me.

Good luck at your next massage, I hope you behave better for your next therapist then you did for me.

Much love

Kyrie

p.s. I hope you get the herp from your next hooker.

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